Best Man Speech by Dave - Described as "There were 3 best men, I went up 2nd, wish I never told the Chinese takeaway story"

Thank you very much Jim...

As you're all aware, there are actually three best men today, so we've all taken our speech writing very seriously. We even met up last week to discuss tactics, and after all the planning it amused me that Jim managed to scribble a few notes down in the car this morning and Paul has spent most of the morning practicing his speech from the loo.
As there are three of us, and to save any arguments later today, I bagsy first dance with the bridesmaid.

Talking of the bridesmaids, I agree with Warren & Jim, Clare does look fantastic and did a great job of ensuring Gayle was ready and on time. And of course Gayle herself, she truly looks terrific - it's just a shame she didn't get the chance to give Warren any beauty tips this morning.

Between the three best men we managed to arrange 2 great stag do's, which was no where near as difficult to arrange as our other main duty - getting Warren out his bed on time this morning. Last night we had a few quiet drinks at the hotel and Warren slept like a baby - he was waking up every half an hour crying out for his mummy.

I have a book at home called tips for the best man, and one of the tips said "carry a cheque book or credit card for any payments the groom may have forgotten" so knowing Warren as well as I do, I've got just over £1000 on me.
Another tip from the book said to help Warren dress, but Paul seemed quite happy to do that one thankfully.

Anyway as Jim was saying, I'll pick up the story of Warren's life when I met him at Gaynes School, when we were about 12.
I've got many schoolboy memories of Warren, I loved the fact that he always carried a couple of dozen pens, his school diary, protractor, compass, ruler, eraser, pencils, and pencil sharpener in the inside pocket of his blazer which was always amusing when he ran around the school playground trying to stop it all from flying out. Presumably he was just too tight to splash out on a pencil case. Talking of Warren being tight (again) I also recall the time at school when the fire alarm went off just as we were queuing up to pay for our school dinner. Most kids behaved sensibly and made their way to the nearest fire exit, not Warren who starting stashing sausages into his blazer pocket before dashing for the exit.

Not long after we finished school we soon discovered how much fun could be had drinking booze. And before you know it the Bridge House & the Mason's had us lot to contend with most nights of the week. Which brings me to another, Warren is tight story...I recall one night when I was at the bar, Warren tapping me on the shoulder, passing me a small handful of coppers and asking me to buy him a pint with the 64p he had. Feeling sorry for him I spent my last couple of quid on beers for us both, only to find him a couple of hours later in the curry house waving a £20 note around. Much to my disgust, his excuse was that he didn't want to break into his £20 earlier in the evening.

We also went on a few boy's holidays in our younger days too, taking in the sights of the Greek islands, most of the sites were seen through a drunken haze but I do recall Warren refusing to pay for toilet paper for our room so he could spend more on ouzo. He also used to pour more ouzo into cans of tango so that he could sit outside the bars like a tramp drinking his cheap & lethal strength booze instead of paying for the more expensive and probably watered down version for sale behind the bar.

My personal favourite story about Warren was one night after a drunken episode at the Bridge House we descended upon Upminster's late night takeaways. As most of you are aware, Upminster has two Chinese takeaways right next door to one another. Anyhow, Warren walked into one of the Chinese takeaways and drunkenly ordered his grub. Then for some reason only known to Warren, instead of sitting quietly and waiting for his food, he decided to then walk over the street to abuse everyone who was in the kebab shop opposite. Having aggressively been told to leave the kebab shop, he then walked back across the street, into the wrong Chinese takeaway and started demanding to know where his food was. Obviously the bemused Chinaman didn't have a clue what Warren was shouting about and called the police. Luckily for Warren, as the police arrived to calm the situation down, or more likely throw him in a cell, a friend of ours who also happens to be a policeman was passing the takeaway and told his colleagues that he would take care of Warren and make sure he got home in one piece..whether or not Warren ever got his takeaway I'll never know !!
Anyway, I'll let Paul pick up the saga of Warren's life when I've finished.

In my opinion, I think Warren sees marriage as being very similar to his beloved West Ham - he's totally committed, and wants to score every Saturday, and change ends at half time, but I'm sure he won't want to play away half the year. We know Gayle is predicting that he's going to suffer from a serious groin injury if he does.

Gayle, you've had plenty of time to think about today, and I guess it's too late to do a runner now, but Haidee has told me to remind you her flight leaves on Saturday evening if you're still up for it.

On a more serious note. Warren, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You and Gayle are the best of friends for Maxine & I. We have been real muckers over the years, and it is a great honour to be your best man, you're a very lucky bloke to have me as a friend, and now even luckier to have Gayle as your wife.

Before I pass you over to Pauline, I'd just like to wish Warren & Gayle the very best for the future. May your marriage be like a toilet roll.soft, strong, and very very long.....

Thanks.

Messages to read....

From the lads at Gaynes School football team of 1990 a message of goodwill to you both: "We've found Warren to be useless in every position. Hope Gayle has more luck. Congratulations!"

To Warren "Don't go forgetting us just because you're married. Best of luck from all the girls at the Paradise Sauna and Massage, Romford, Essex.

Finally To Warren "My Dearest Warren, I miss your strong arms, your tender loving ways, the way you whisper in my ear, I realise I'm a loser in love but I will never forget those wonderful evenings together by the pool, love forever, Michael Barrymore."